A selection of yarns

[Guest Whyisit]

            Nice pigs sir...

A Secret Service agent is standing at the bottom of the stairs as President Clinton is leaving Air Force One, and can't help but notice that the President has a pig under each arm.

The Agent salutes and says, "Welcome back, Mr. President. Nice pigs, sir."

Clinton smiles and says, "These aren't pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks. I got this one for Hillary, and I got this one for Chelsea."

The Agent says, "Good trade, sir."

 

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An old Jewish man goes to a diner every day for lunch He always orders the soup du jour.  One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal. The old man replies (with Yiddish accent) "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread."

So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread.  "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks.  "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread," comes the reply.

So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of bread.  "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asks.  "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread," comes the reply.

So ... the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup.  "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks, when he comes to pay.  "Wass goot, but you could give just a little more bread," comes the reply once again.

The manager is now obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is satisfied with his meal, so he goes to the bakery, and orders a six-foot-long loaf of bread.  When the man comes in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, butter the entire length of each half, and lay it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup.

The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and when the old man comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in the usual way:  "How was your meal TODAY, sir?"

The old Jew replies:  "It wass goot as usual, but I see you are back to giving only two slices of bread! 

 

==========

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. She stands up in the front of the plane and screams, "I'm too young to die!" Twice more she wails, "I'm too young to die! I'm too young to die!" She shakes and sobs for a just a moment, and then gathers her courage and continues, "Well if I'm going to die I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've HAD IT! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. All the passengers have forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman." He's gorgeous: Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Her lips part slightly. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches the trembling woman and extends his arm and holds his shirt out and said...............

"Iron this." 

======

 Church and Racing

A priest, who wanted to raise money for his church, was told there was a fortune in horse racing, and so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in some races.

However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that he decided to buy a donkey instead.

Although he had some doubts, the priest figured that he might as well enter the animal in a race just to see how it would do.

To his surprise the donkey came in second.

The next day the headlines read: PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS

The priest was so pleased that he entered the animal in another race, and this time it won.

The headline read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race.

The new headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the priest to get rid of the animal.

The priest gave the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent.

The next day the headline read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted.

He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey.

After several days, the nun finally sold the beast to a local farmer for $10.

The headline read: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS

 

They buried the bishop the next day. 

 

            =========

Letter From A Kentucky Mom

TO: Kentucky Son

FROM: Kentucky Mom

 

Dear Son, I'm writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address as the last Kentucky family that lived here took the number with them for their next house so they would not have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send you?, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons. So we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home; said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral; up she comes.

About your father, he has a lovely new job. He has over 500 men under him. He is cutting grass at the cemetery.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you are an aunt or and uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him, he burned for 3 days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

Write more often.

Love, Mom

p.s. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed. 

 

                                                                              =========

                                                                             New To Heaven 

 

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash.

They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to.

They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said,

"This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

 

 

  

Edited May 6, 2018 by Whyisit

[JackM]

There was only one other person in the bar. It was a man. The three men
kept
looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.
They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, When
suddenly the Irishman cried out
"My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!"
The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting
alone at a table.
The Irishman calls out, "Hey! you!!! Are you Jesus?"
The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head.
"Yes, I am Jesus" he says.
The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you
to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."
So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his
table.
Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.
The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me Sir but would you
be Jesus?"
Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint of
Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, this the bartender duly does.
As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.
Then the Kiwi calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?"
Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Kiwi is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a Lion Red
for
Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure.
Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and
approaches the three men.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for
the
Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement.
"Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for
years
is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the
Newcastle
Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock.
"By jove", he exclaims, "The migraine I've had for over 40 years is
completely gone. It's a Miracle!"
Jesus then approaches the Kiwi, who has a terrified look on his face. The
Kiwi whispers.
"Back off mate, I'm on ACC!"

[JackM]

A Kiwi man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an Aussie tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Kiwi politely ignored the Australian, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The Aussie snapped his gum and said, 'You Kiwi folk eat the whole bread?'
The Kiwi frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'
The Aussie blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In Aussie, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them transform them into croissants and sell them to Kiwi's
The Aussie had a smirk on his face. The Kiwi listened in silence.
The Aussie persisted, Do you eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Kiwi replied, 'of course.'
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Aussie said, 'we don't. In Aussie, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, and then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to New Zealand
The Kiwi then asked, 'Do you have sex in Aussie?'
The Aussie smiled and said 'Why of course we do.'
The Kiwi leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
'We throw them away, of course!'
Now it was the Kiwi's turn to smile.
'We don't. In New Zealand, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Australia. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?

[Shad]

I handed my notice in at subway today.They'll never find  anyone as good as me to fill that roll.

[JackM]

An old station hand named Billy was overseeing his stock in a remote pasture in the outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Bryony suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .....

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spread sheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to Billy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, you'll be helpin' yourself to one of me animals, then, since you won it fair and square." says Billy.

He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his car.

As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy says, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf?"

The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wondering what this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know? He grins and then says, "Okay, old fella, why not? I'm a believer in fair play."

"You're a politician & you work in Canberra." says the old timer.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Billy "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollar’s worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog."

AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT.

[JackM]

Amen ......